And then there were stories....

So many stories and yet, they all come together as this one thing. One thing that happens to us, it all culminates and unfathomably ropes and tangles and tightens through the lived years.

Where do I see myself in the golden years? I ask myself that often, seems like if we do get rewarded that time, we should be able to spend it like gems and gold coins... very wisely, savor each moment like drinking the elixir of life.

It will have all led to this, these final years of work done, on this planet. Spent on a beach at times and in a snowy mountain cabin more, because I love mountains more than beaches. Staring out at the sun and at the valley, at the ripples of sea water and cascading waterfalls. Breathing in life and breathing out regrets, they don't matter really, the regrets.

Yes, dear Dream, the idea of you has aged well, I crave you in the middle age and I will carry you into the golden years too. My muse, my thought partner, my sounding wall.

You and I both on the porch of that cabin staring into the wilderness, you and I both on that beach sometimes, marveling at the golden sand and ripples of waves and shells, and salty air and aging skin and creaky bones and rheumy eyes and sweet regrets in between, no, it will not matter the oldness, I feel like it will be agelessness more so. to sit on the edge of time, to dive off into the unknown and what comes after.

I caught a rainbow today.

 Early morning, while driving to work. I caught (saw/experienced) a rainbow, a perfect one at that, while it drizzled the rainbow formed sharper and more clear ....

I caught it in my sight and locked it in my soul. A fleeting moment of beauty. 

In all the gratitude I feel towards life as I grow older, another annotation, to witness the rainbow :)

Dream a dream of a dream

A recurring dream, I have had it for years now. Every few months it makes an appearance. I am back there in time, where lies all that I fear, where all hopes sprang, where my roots still are.

I am standing on my side of the wall, looking up at that window, trying to catch a glimpse and I can't.
Its shadowy, its humid, its aromatic with moss and dampness, it smells of those years, so well preserved in deep memory.

The anticipation of seeing you, I don't know why it means so much. Somewhere in time a wrinkle happened that remained forever and on its underside everything remains as it was. I have it preserved forever in this dream I keep having.

In this dream, I am still a child and I am awed by you, why you though? I will never be able to make sense of that ... ever. For some reason in you I saw that need for connection. I always need to be the doer, I need to be the one giving comfort even when I need comforting myself (maybe that is one "positive" byproduct of being a borderline control freak??)

Could we have made a difference big enough to create ripples in the surface of time?
Why can I not help thinking there is a vital piece of puzzle that I hold, which if ever completed by your half will change our world forever, at least the part that affects us. Its a secret that was created in our youth, it is hope as precious as gold.

I have to start again , the writing that is...

Things need to be noted down for a reason I cant really articulate.

Life passes by and years get added on and things change perspective so often, you start wondering what even is all this? It is something profound and notes need to be taken, records need to be made and lessons need to learnt.

It is fascinating, the distance you traverse, within yourself and geographically and from who you used to be. The valleys of fear and the peaks of exhilaration. Oceans in between the knowing and the unknown.

But as said before, I have to start writing it all down...

 

Flashes from the past some moments frozen in golden amber of memory
that crazy boy with huge eyes of pooled hope and dreams
Dark honey colored saccharine page from the past

Hurt blue colored shoes in a store window
Never bought but remembered forever
Sepia pink colored summer evenings of warm breathing and fragrant air
Early morning sunshine-yellow colored shoes owned and worn
Like sunny smiles on my feet

Color to remember you by
purple yearning with a touch of peach and a little lavender thrown in
If we could touch colors and devour them too
Would you see me as a crimson tinged with pale gold, with a hint of shimmer?
Would you taste it on your lips and feel it in your soul

To hold another captive in a mind's prison
To hold them up to light and try to decipher
To dissect what each thought means
to try to understand meaning of life
All futile just like colors cannot be tasted and you still know the taste
You kept them on your tongue and they just melted away.

You.

Like an old bathrobe

With no significance in the right now and  right here

Like an old blanket that provided warmth once a long time ago

Now worn through  ... only memories holding it together

Yes, like that, I still pull you out from a treasure box of sorts

I remember you like you probably never were

Only me, that is who I am looking for and all that I survived because of an idea that was you

I see your sepia tinged image, a twinkle of your eyes, a broad toothy smile

A simple joy of being there with my imagination of you

A cozy cocoon of foraged pieces of dry grass, some fly away wool and shreds of cotton from a near by cotton tree - that was the nest we lived in, the utopia of an imaginative mind that often has platinum resilience

Have I thanked you before, have I thanked you enough?

Let me do it now, ritual and all, let me put some incense and bring flowers too

Let me reminisce for a while, say a prayer or two

Then I can close the memory book and try to refrain, until I feel the need to pray for your presence again

Eye of a Storm

Building a home in the eye of a storm

Isn't that what we all do time and again

And the one that chooses to live in it with us

Weathers it all in the name of faith is the one

The one meant for you, the one meant to be

Making you smile and laugh like it doesn't matter

When outside the sky is falling down

The storm is hitting its hardest

And you cant hear it at all

All because they chose to stay, when no one else would

All because they chose to stay to wait it out with you

All because they built a home in the eye of a storm with you... for you...